


Our Wedding in Hell

by bookwrm89



Series: Rules 'verse [2]
Category: Coupling (UK), Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff, M/M, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 01:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10731183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwrm89/pseuds/bookwrm89
Summary: Jack and Ianto are planning their wedding.  With Jeff Murdock as one of the witnesses, the rift that runs through Cardiff, and the Doctor invited everything should be smooth sailing, right?





	Our Wedding in Hell

ianto_jones: _Jack? Got a moment?_  
captain_sexy: _You're depriving me of those lovely Welsh Vowels, Ianto. But, yes, for you?_ _All the time in the world!_  
ianto_jones: _I love you, too, Sir. I see you've been playing with IM names again. Are we set for this afternoon?_  
captain_sexy: _Of course. ::smirk::  UNIT loves the creativity. And, yes, I have all the paperwork I need._  
ianto_jones: _Good. So, barring alien invasion, we can give notice for our civil partnership today._  
captain_sexy: _You shouldn't temp the rift like that, Ianto_. _But I checked with Toshiko and the rift predictor program says we should be having a quiet day._  
ianto_jones: _Have you thought about who you're going to ask to be a witness?_  
captain_sexy: _Yeah, what do you think about asking Martha to witness?_  
ianto_jones: _I think we'll hear squeal all the way from London._  
captain_sexy: _I'll take that as a yes_ _. Let's call her when we get back from lunch. Have you thought about who you want as a witness?_  
ianto_jones: _I was thinking about asking Jeff._  
captain_sexy: _Jeff is fine with me, I like him.  I didn't realize you guys were that close._

(ianto_jones username has been changed to seduction_by_coffee)

seduction_by_coffee: _I'm taking away your account override privileges, Sir. Jeff was a good mate in school . It's been nice since we've reconnected to have someone outside of Torchwood._

(seduction_by_coffee username has been changed to ianto_jones)

captain_sexy: _Spoilsport._    
ianto_jones: _Jeff is online, I'll add him to the conversation and we can ask him if he'd be willing._  
captain_sexy: _Ianto, do you have a breeding program for my paperwork that I don't know about?_

(jeff_in_the_giggle_loop has been added to the conversation)

jeff_in_the_giggle_loop: _Ianto! How are things in Cardiff?_  
ianto_jones: _Jack and I have a question to ask you_.  
captain_sexy: _Jeff, what is the giggle loop?_

ianto_jones:  _Jack, trust me, you do not want to know._  
jeff_in_the_giggle_loop: _I want to apologize again for walking in on you guys the other morning. I didn't realize you were, well..._  
ianto_jones: _Don't worry about it, Jeff. You didn't know Jack was there._  
captain_sexy: _I snuck in after you guys passed out._  
ianto_jones: _Jeff, we would really appreciate it if you would be one of our witnesses for our wedding._  
jeff_in_the_giggle_loop: _Yeah, sure! Do I need to plan a stag night? Wait, do gay men have stag nights? I mean, would you have regular strippers or male strippers? I wouldn't know where to find a male stripper. Susan might know, or Jane. We could go to a pub or something._  
ianto_jones: _Jeff, we're not - you don't need to plan a stag night for us._  
captain_sexy: _Hmmm...a stag night, huh? That has some possibilities._  
ianto_jones: ::rolls eyes:: _No, Jack. No stag night. Jeff, we just need you to witness the ceremony and sign the certificate._  
jeff_in_the_giggle_loop: _Oh, okay. But if you change your mind about the stag night -_  
ianto_jones: _We will let you know the date of the ceremony later this afternoon. No stag night._  
jeff_in_the_giggle_loop: _I've got to go - staff meeting._

  
(jeff_in_the_giggle_loop has left the conversation)

  
captain_sexy: _Are you sure we can't have a stag night? Just to see what he'd come up with?_    
ianto_jones: _Tempting, but no. Besides, who would we invite to a stag night? Owen? Rhys? The Doctor?_  
captain_sexy: _See, now you're just encouraging the idea. I would pay good money to see the Doctor at a stag party!_  
ianto_jones: _No, Jack._  
captain_sexy: _Spoilsport. If I drop the idea will you come down and work some coffee magic?_  
ianto_jones: _I'll be down in a mo._

  
(ianto_jones username has been changed to coffee_god)  
(captain_sexy username has been changed to captain_decaf)

(coffee_god has left the conversation)

captain_decaf:  _Ianto, what did you just do to my - DECAF???  Ianto..._

(captain_decaf has left the conversation)

___________________________________________________  
_Later that afternoon...._

"Ianto, are you ready for that conference call with U.N.I.T.?" Jack asked.

  
"Yep. On my way." Ianto grabbed two cups of the coffee he'd just made and headed to Jack's office.

Gwen watched as Ianto set Jack's cup down and settled into the chair across the desk, laughing at something Jack had said.  "Those two are up to something," she said. "They've been acting weird all week."

  
"Hmmm?" Tosh looked up from her computer screen.

  
"Jack and Ianto. Don't you think they've been acting strange this week?" Gwen asked.

  
Tosh thought about it, then replied, "Not really, no."

  
"They break off conversations whenever one of us walks into the room. Jack has been leaving with Ianto every night and they come in together in the mornings. And where did they sneak off to this afternoon?" Gwen was still eyeing Jack's office suspiciously.

  
Owen came up the stairs from the autopsy bay. "Gwen, they probably don't want to risk hanging out around here after hours for fear someone will walk in on them...again. Maybe they just want a little privacy."

  
Gwen blushed and gave up trying to convince the other two that something was happening.

  
"They're happy, Gwen. Besides, if there was something going on that we needed to know about, Jack would tell us." Toshiko looked up at the pair laughing in Jack's office. "I think they're sweet."  
________________________________________________________

"How's my second favorite Jones in the universe? Have you saved the world lately?" Jack asked.

  
Martha laughed. "Jack! It's so good to hear from you! How are things in Cardiff? Is Ianto with you?"

"Yep. How are you, Martha?" Ianto asked.

  
"Really good, Ianto. You? Jack, you better be treating him right, or I'll sic my mom on you."

  
Ianto laughed at the look on Jack's face. "I've never better, Martha," he replied.

  
"Martha," Jack's voice turned serious. "Ianto and I have something to tell you and then a favor to ask."

  
"Oooh, this sounds intriguing. What's up?"

  
"I asked Ianto to marry me," Jack announced.

  
"And I said yes," Ianto answered before Martha could ask the question.

  
Martha's squeal was so loud, Jack turned the volume down on the phone, laughing when Ianto mouthed, 'I told you so.'

  
"Guys, that's wonderful news! I'm so excited! So when is the ceremony? Am I invited?" Martha paused to take a breath.

  
Jack was still laughing as he replied, "Don't be stupid, of course you're invited. The ceremony is 3 weeks from Saturday, here in Cardiff. And we'd like for you to be one of our witnesses. So, can you make it?"

  
"Jack...Ianto...that is such an honor," Martha gasped."Yes, I'll be there with bells on! I am so happy for both of you. So this is what comes from all that innovative, avant garde dabbling hmmm, Ianto?"

  
Jack raised a questioning eyebrow, giving Ianto a look when he started laughing so hard he almost couldn't answer, "Yep."

  
"Why do I feel like I'm missing part of this conversation?" Jack asked.

  
"Just something Ianto and I talked about when I was there, Jack."  Martha paused, and then exclaimed, "Oh, wait until the Doctor hears about this! He's going to be absolutely gobsmacked!" 

  
Ianto had finally got his breath back and looked straight into Jack's eyes as he asked, "Martha, do you have a way to contact the Doctor?"

  
"Yes, why?" Martha questioned.

"Could you get hold of him and tell him that we'd love to have him come to the ceremony, if he can? I'd send an invitation, but...." Ianto watched Jack's eyes soften as he realized what Ianto was doing. Jack silently mouthed the words 'thank you'.

  
"Of course, I'll try to get hold of him right after we hang up. Oohh, I need to go shopping and find just the right hat. Let me know if you need any help planning things, Ianto." Martha's enthusiasm left her breathless.

  
"Oi, who says he's going to be the one doing all the planning?" Jack asked, indignation audible in his voice.

  
There was a brief moment of silence before both Martha and Ianto burst into laughter.

  
"I'll let you know if I need help with anything, Martha," Ianto gasped between chuckles. "But we're not planning a large ceremony. Just something simple with a few friends."

  
"Just you make sure to keep me posted, Ianto Jones," Martha instructed. "I'll see you both in three weeks! And, really, congratulations. You both deserve to be happy."

"Thank you, Martha. See you soon."

Jack hung up the receiver and grinned. "Maybe we should've asked her by instant message," he joked.

"Not a wise idea, Jack," Ianto laughed. "She would've sent her mum after both of us if that's what we'd done."

Jack opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again, not sure how to ask what was on his mind.

Ianto answered the unspoken question, "Jack, this is something we're supposed to celebrate with our friends and family. The Doctor is the closest thing you have to family, of course I want him to be there."

"Adding mind reading to your CV?" Jack drew the young man into a tight hug. "I love you, Ianto Jones."

"I love you, too," Ianto replied. "Even if you are a daft sod."

Jack grinned and inclined his head towards the team gathered below. "Do you think it's time to tell the kids?" 

"You had better not be implying that I'm the mom," Ianto laughed. "But, yeah, we should tell the rest of the family."

"Got that champagne chilled?" Ianto quirked his eyebrow and gave Jack 'the look'. "Of course you do, stupid question. Forget I asked."

"I'll round up the glasses, you round up the team?" Ianto pulled his stop watch out of his pocket. "Meet you in the conference room in 10 minutes?"

  
"That's 10 minutes and counting, Mr. Jones."  
__________________________________________________________  
(10 minutes later...)

"Jack, what's going on?" Naturally, Gwen was the first to question the reason for the meeting.

"We're celebrating. Ianto, the champagne if you please." Jack waited until everyone had a glass and Ianto was back by his side.  Raising his glass, he said, "A toast. To Ianto Jones, my best friend, my lover, and my future husband."

"Husband?!" Tosh squealed. "When are you getting married?" She ran and gave hugs to both Ianto and Jack, then Ianto again.

Ianto replied after kissing Tosh on the cheek, "The ceremony is 3 weeks from Saturday and you're all invited."

"You finally got him to make an honest man out of you, huh, Tea-boy?" Owen teased, holding out his hand in congratulations.

Ianto rolled his eyes, "Yep. And that's Mr. Tea-boy to you, you tosser." He pulled the doctor in for a hug, which Owen returned, whispering, "Congratulations, Ianto, you deserve to be happy."

Owen turned to Jack, "Captain Jack Harkness is getting married? There are beings all over the universe crying themselves to sleep tonight. Congratulations, Jack. Make sure you treat him right."

"I will, Owen. Thank you." Jack replied, looking at Ianto with a soft smile on his face.

Gwen was still standing at the other end of the conference table with a shocked look on her face. Ianto walked over to her. "Alright, Gwen?"

"Ianto, you're planning a wedding in three weeks? Are you crazy? You'll never get everything ready in just three weeks! There's the flowers, a cake, finding a reception hall, invitations..." Gwen's eyes were glazing over just thinking of everything that needed to be done.

"Gwen, it's just a simple civil ceremony, nothing fancy. It will be fine." Ianto explained soothingly.

Gwen wasn't listening. "I still have the notebook from my wedding, I'll bring it in tomorrow and we can go over it together." She reached out and gave Ianto a hug. "I'm so happy for you both! And don't worry, I'll help out with everything."

She left the room muttering to herself, "Three weeks...there's just so much to do...."

Ianto collapsed, not even looking if there was a chair.  Running his fingers through his hair, he shook his head.

Jack was by his side in a heartbeat. "Ianto, is everything okay? Gwen didn't say anything to upset you did she?"

"What?" Ianto's attention slowly focused back on his fiance's face. "Oh, no, not the way you're thinking." He grimaced. "Jack, she's bringing her wedding notebook in tomorrow to help us plan the ceremony. I tried to tell her we just wanted something simple, but she didn't listen to me."

Jack was tempted to laugh, but knew that wouldn't help the situation just now. He tried to sooth Ianto as best he could. "It's okay, Ianto. We'll just stand our ground and won't let her get carried away."

Ianto looked up with fear in his eyes. "Since when has Gwen ever listened to anything we say?"

Jack sank down into the chair next to Ianto. "Fair point." He looked up hopefully, "Maybe we can get Rhys to keep her in check?"

************ 

"Rhys, please, can't you do something to distract her?  She's driving us crazy!"  Jack pleaded.  "Take her to Fiji, get her pregnant, _anything_?"

"I've tried, believe me. Well, not the pregnancy thing, but everything else I can think of," Rhys replied. "Nothing works.  I think she's trying to make sure you have the perfect wedding she didn't get."

"Then do you mind if I gag her and lock her in one of the cells until this is over?"  Ianto grumbled, taking a gulp of his ale.

Two days had passed since the men had announced their plans to the team, and Gwen had gone off the deep end.  They had asked Rhys to meet them at a pub in secret.  Jack and Ianto were supposed to be weevil hunting and Rhys had told his wife that he was meeting Banana.  They drank their drinks in silence, trying to figure out a way to distract Gwen without hurting her feelings.  They all knew that her heart was in the right place, it was just her methods that were driving them insane.

"Jack," Ianto said slowly, "we've talked about just wanting a simple ceremony, right?" 

"Yes," Jack agreed.  "Why, what are you thinking?"

"Well, have you had any thoughts about a party after the ceremony?"

Jack looked at him quizzically, "You mean like a reception?"

Ianto nodded, taking another pull from his ale.

"No, not really.  Do you want one?" Jack asked.

"Rhys, do you think Gwen would leave the ceremony to us if we gave her free reign with a reception?"  Ianto asked, looking across the table.

"See, this is why I love this man!"  Jack exclaimed.  "Ianto, that is genius.  Would it work, Rhys?"

"Yeah, I think it might.  She'd have something to focus on and you guys could plan the ceremony the way you want."

"I'll talk to her about it tomorrow."  Ianto sighed, thankful they'd come up with a solution that didn't involve retcon and a plane ticket to Australia.

"Cheers, mates!"  Rhys said.  "So, are you two going to have a stag night?"

Jack choked back a laugh as Ianto shot a dirty look at Rhys then drank down the rest of his drink.

"Oops, sorry, is that a sore subject?"  
__________________________________________________  
_(Later that evening, at their flat...)_  
  
Ianto was sitting sideways on the sofa, leaning against the arm, legs stretched out, wearing a comfortable pair of sweats and nothing else.  He was concentrating on the PDA in his hands when Jack came into the room carrying two cups of tea.

"What are you so engrossed in, Ianto?"

"Lists," was the succinct reply.  "Gwen was right about one thing, even a simple ceremony takes some planning."

Jack sat down on the opposite end of the sofa and slid his legs under Ianto's.  "What kind of things do we need to do?"

"Well, first we need to make some decisions.  Are we going to exchange rings?  Do we want to change our names?  Do we want to write vows?  What do you want, Jack?"

Jack sat quietly sipping his tea, contemplating the questions Ianto had asked.  "I'd like to exchange rings, yes.  It may not sound very 51st century of me, or 21st century for that matter, but I'd like an outward symbol that we belong to each other."  He looked at his lover with a sheepish grin on his face at how traditional that sounded.  "We should probably write our own vows.  Considering my unique abilities, 'til death do us part' doesn't really have the same meaning for us.  But I 'm not sure what I think about changing names, what about you?"

  
"On a purely aesthetic level, neither of our names sounds right with the other's last name.  Ianto Harkness doesn't really flow and Jack Jones sounds like an American serial killer." Ianto frowned.

Jack chuckled.  "So that would leave us with Jones-Harkness or Harkness-Jones. Hmmm...Ianto Harkness-Jones.  Captain Jack Harkness-Jones.  You know, I could definitely spend eternity as Jack Harkness-Jones."

Ianto looked up, his eyes wide.  "Jack...you'd keep my name for the rest of your life?"

"Yes, I would."  Jack sat up and  scooted around until his head was resting on Ianto's shoulder.  "Ianto, I know I can't spend the rest of my life with you.  If I'm very lucky, I'll have another 50-60 years before I have to lose you.  It's going to hurt like hell when I do.  But I'd like to have something other than memories, something tangible, that's a part of me, that will tell the universe that I was once loved by an incredible man named Ianto Jones."

Ianto closed the short distance between them and covered Jack's lips with his own, deepening the kiss immediately, pouring all the love and passion he felt into his kiss.

When they broke apart for air, he cleared his throat. "Right.  Harkness-Jones it is."  Then he pulled Jack to his feet and led him to their bedroom.

__________________________________________________  
_(The next day...)_  
  
Ianto was in the conference room, waiting for Gwen.  He knew how frustrated Jack got with Gwen's stubbornness and told Jack that he'd talk to her alone.

   
"Ianto, I found the best place for the reception!  It's available, but you need to book it right away.  Maybe we should go look at it during lunch?"  Gwen entered the room, talking a mile a minute. She paused to take a breath and Ianto broke in before she got going again. 

"Gwen, I'd like to talk to you about something." Ianto fervently hoped this would work. 

"What's up, Love?" Gwen asked, still looking at her notebook.

"First, Jack and I really appreciate everything you're doing to help us plan the big day.  We've been talking about it and it's important to us to plan the ceremony ourselves."  He could see the hurt look start to show on her face, so he hurried on, "What we'd like for you to do is concentrate on the reception.  You can do whatever you want, surprise us.  We know you'll do a beautiful job and if we need any help with the ceremony, we'll ask you.  Does that sound good?"  He held his breath.

The hurt look was quickly erased with a smile as she realized what Ianto was offering.  Her smile quickly turned to a laugh at the relieved look on Ianto's face.  
"Was I really that bad?"

Ianto shot her a dry look, "Jack was considering seconding you to U.N.I.T. for the next three weeks, Gwen."

"I'd apologize for that, Ianto, but I'm just so excited for the both of you.  Plus, you guys did so much to save my wedding from being a total disaster, I wanted to do something to help with yours."

"I know, and we appreciate it." Ianto could magnanimous about it now that she was diverted.  "On to mundane details.  Jack has set up an account, here's the debit card, for you to use to pay for the reception.  You know that we're not sappy, romantic, hearts and flowers kind of guys, so be kind to us?  Do you have any questions before you're let loose with this special project?"  Ianto grinned at the look on her face.  Gwen looked like a kid who'd just been given a golden ticket to a chocolate factory.

"Um, yeah, do you have any preference on colors or cake flavor?"

"Colors?" Ianto looked nonplussed.  "Well, Jack always says that red is my color and I think he looks stunning in blue.  Red and blue is a bit too 'Queen and country' isn't it?  How about burgundy and navy blue?  Cake flavor...chocolate, preferably dark chocolate.  Anything else?"

"Nope.  Oh wait, how many people will be there?" Gwen asked.

"Not many," Ianto said, starting to count out loud. "There's the team, of course. Rhys, Martha, Jeff...let's go with 10, maybe 12 if anyone brings a date?  I'll check with everyone and let you know for sure."

"Thank you for trusting me on this, Ianto.  You won't regret it."  She gave him a kiss on the cheek and left the room humming happily to herself.

____________________________________________________________  
_(Later that afternoon...)  
_  
**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _Ianto?  
_**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _Ianto, mate, you there?  
_ **coffee_god:**   _Yep.  What's up, Jeff?  
_**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _I was talking with my mates, Steve and Patrick, down the pub last night.  Are you sure you don't want a stag night?  It just doesn't seem right you not having one, even if you are marrying a bloke.  
_ **coffee_god:** _You know, you're right.  If I'd married Lisa I would've had a stag night, shouldn't make a difference because I'm marrying Jack, right?  
_**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _Will Jack mind?  
_ **coffee_god:** _Nope.  He's been wanting one ever since you mentioned it the first time.  
_**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _Great!  I'll start planning it then.  
_ **coffee_god:** _Two things...I don't want it the night before the ceremony.  Don't fancy having a hangover for the big day.  And no male strippers.  
_**captain_decaf:** _Female strippers are okay though, right?  Hi, Jeff!  
_ **coffee_god:** _::rolls eyes:: God, Jack, I should've known...yes, female strippers are fine.  
_**jeff_in_the_giggle_loop:** _Hey, Jack.  Cool, leave it to me guys, It'll be a night you won't forget.  Cheers!_

_(jeff_in_the_giggle_loop has logged out)_

**coffee_god:** _Did you need something, Jack?  
_**captain_decaf:** _Yeah...you.  Preferably naked, whispering those beautiful Welsh vowels in my ear while I've got your cock in my mouth.  
_ **coffee_god:** _Meet you in the archives, Sir?  
_ **captain_decaf:** _I'll race you!_  


_(captain_decaf username has been changed to captain_sexy)  
_

(coffee_god _has logged out)  
_

**john_smith:** _Hello?  Hello?  Jack, are you there?  Hmmm...must be busy.  Just wanted to let you know I'll be there for the ceremony.  Is it okay to bring a friend with me?  Oh, and congratulations!_

**the_noble_one:** _He's not answering, dumbo.  Why are you chatting with someone who isn't there?_

**john_smith:** _Now I'm chatting with you, so I'm not chatting with someone who isn't there, am I?_

**the_noble_one:** _I'm sitting across the room from you, you prat!  You don't need to chat online with me._

**john_smith:** _You started it._

**the_noble_one:** _Did not!_

**john_smith:** _Did too!_

**the_noble_one:** _I did no...oh for heaven's sake, why do I even bother?  
_

_(the_noble_one has logged out)_

**john_smith:** _Now I'm chatting with myself again.  Why does that always happen?  
_

_(john_smith has logged out)_

_************_

"Oh god, Jack, that feels good," Ianto moaned into the pillow.  The last three weeks had gone by in a haze of rift alerts and planning.  It was the Wednesday before the wedding and Ianto was exhausted.  He was sprawled on the bed and Jack was giving him a sinfully delicious massage, coaxing all his tense muscles to relax.

"Your boss works you too hard," Jack said. "You should talk to him about giving you some time off once in a while."

Ianto shot an amused look at his partner. "I would, but time off wouldn't be any fun without my boss there.  And getting him to take time off is next to impossible."

"Hmmm...I can see where that would be a problem.  You could convince him, though.  You can be very persuasive, Ianto Jones."

"He does seem to be susceptible to a well-cut suit and a cup of coffee," Ianto mused. "I'm not sure what my husband-to-be would think about my persuading the boss to come out and play, though."

"Oh, I'm sure your husband-to-be wouldn't mind too much." 

Ianto chuckled.  "You're daft, you are, Jack Harkness."

"Jack Harkness soon-to-be Harkness-Jones, thank you very much."  He moved and turned Ianto over so they were face to face.  "Seriously, Ianto, I know Torchwood can be all consuming most of the time, but promise me that you'll coax me out to play when we can.  Remind me what we're fighting for."

"I promise, Jack."  He sat up and pulled the other man into a deep kiss, leaning back into the pillows as Jack followed him down.  
__________________________________________________________  
(The next morning...)  
  
**coffee_god:** _Jack, it looks like you get your wish._  
 **captain_sexy:** _Which one?  Naked pudding wrestling or sex on the invisible lift?_  
 **coffee_god:** _Not those wishes.  Check the CCTV cameras for the Plass_.  
 **captain_sexy:** _Oh, that wish.  He said he wasn't going to be here until tomorrow._  
 **coffee_god:** _For a Time Lord, he's not really very good with exact dates is he?_  
**captain_sexy:** _Don't let him hear you say that! ROTFLMAO_  
 **coffee_god:** _Jack, have you been Googling IM-speak again instead of writing those reports?_  
 **captain_sexy:** _Ummm_. _..no?_

(captain_sexy username has been changed to decaf_indefinitely)

**decaf_indefinitely:**   _Again?  Ianto..._  
 **coffee_god:** ::rolls eyes::  _Are you going to come up here so you can introduce me to our guests?_  
 **decaf_indefinitely:** _On my way!_  
 **coffee_god:** _BTW, what kind of pudding did you have in mind? ;-)_  
 **decaf_indefinitely:** _You are evil._

(coffee_god username has been changed to pudding_wrestling_champion)

**pudding_wrestling_champion:** _I do my best, Sir_

(decaf_indefinitely has left the conversation)

**doctor_demento_of_the_living_dead:** _Can't you two use a secure link for your private conversations?_  
 **pudding_wrestling_champion:** _Oh, shut up, Owen!_  
**doctor_demento_of_the_living_dead:** _What the fuck?  Why is my username changed?!  Did you do this?  Tea-boy?_

(pudding_wrestling_champion username has changed to coffee_god)

(coffee_god has left the conversation)

**doctor_demento_of_the_living_dead:** _IANTO?!?_  
**doctor_demento_of_the_living_dead:** _bullocks_  
________________________________________________  
  
 "Doctor!  It's good to see you again."  Jack swept his old friend into a hug.  "We're so glad you could be here for the ceremony."  He was momentarily distracted by the redhead that had followed the Doctor out of the TARDIS.  "Hi there, I'm Captain Jack Harkness...and you are?"

"Jaaack," the Doctor warned.

"I would think you'd be used to the way he introduces himself by now, Doctor."  Ianto was laughing at the look on the Time Lord's face.  He held out his hand, "Ianto Jones, it's nice to finally meet you."

The Doctor shook his hand distractedly, still watching Jack flirt with Donna.  "I am used to it, just didn't expect he'd be doing it the day before he gets married, in front of his partner."

Ianto laughed again, "Doctor, Jack wouldn't be Jack if he didn't flirt.  It's who he is and I wouldn't change him for the world.  By the way, the ceremony is the day after tomorrow, you're a day earlier than you planned."

"That figures," the redhead commented.  "You know, for a Time Lord you have a really lousy sense of time."

Jack and Ianto looked at each other and dissolved into chuckles.

"Oi, what are you two laughing at?  At least early for a wedding is better than showing up in Pompeii on Volcano Day!"  the Doctor protested.

"Been there and sodding done that, Sunshine.  He tells me he's taking me to Ancient Rome, but no...we end up in bloody Pompeii!  I get kidnapped, almost killed, run through a volcano being chased by lava monsters....I'm Donna, by the way, since he's obviously not going to introduce me!"

"Sounds par for the course when travelling with the Doctor, Donna."  Jack turned to his friend, "Doctor, I thought I told you once not to forget to set the alarm for Volcano Day.  Don't you ever listen to anyone?"

They were walking back to the Hub, Jack still teasing the Doctor.  Ianto and Donna were walking slightly behind the other two, chatting about Pompeii.  They were distracted by the sound of the Doctor's startled exclamation.

"What?!  No, I've never been to a stag night!"

"Oh, I would pay good money to see him getting a lap dance,"  Donna murmured.

Ianto grinned a wicked little grin.  "Good thing I can take video with my phone then, isn't it?"

"I am going to love you, Ianto Jones."  
________________________________________________  
(Stag night....)  
  
Ianto looked around and felt like he was in the middle of a bad joke.  The kind that starts with the phrase 'An immortal, an alien hunter, a zombie, a Time Lord and two regular blokes walk into a pub...' and goes downhill from there.  Anyone else would've been worried about how the evening would go.  Thankfully Ianto had a rather warped sense of humor, so he was looking forward to the entertainment potential of the mixed group.  Besides, he and Jack both had some Retcon with them...just in case...and possibly for themselves.

The evening was starting with a pub crawl and ending at a strip club.  Jeff refused to tell them which club they were going to, though.  Owen was acting as designated driver since he couldn't drink anyway, although he was mumbling about why he'd even bothered to come.

"Can't drink, can't enjoy the strip club...remind me again why I'm here?"  He muttered to Ianto.

"Because you're our friend, Owen.  And this is the type of thing that friends are supposed to celebrate together.  Even if said friend is one of the living dead."  Ianto smirked at the look on Owen's face.

"Tosser.  I still can't figure out how to change my IM name back."

"Ask Tosh," Jack suggested.

"I did," Owen replied glumly. "She just laughed and said it suited me."

  
    
"No, Jeff, it's just the Doctor."

"But, Doctor who?"

Jack put his head in his hands and shook it.  "You couldn't have introduced yourself as John Smith?"

"It's more fun this way.  I'm going to get another banana daiquiri, you want anything?"

"Oh gods...remind me again why I thought it would be a good idea to bring him?"  Jack pleaded.

"Temporary insanity?"  Ianto replied.

  
  
"So, how did you guys meet anyway?" Jeff asked.

Jack laughed. "He stalked me until I gave him a job."

"Really?  My best friend's ex-girlfriend stalked him.  If she called when he wasn't home, she'd call all the taxi companies to find out which one picked him up and where he'd gone.  Then she'd call all the restaurant's to see which one had his reservation.  She made him cry once when she surprised him in Prague."

"And he was still dating her?!"  Jack exclaimed.

The Doctor snorted into his daiquiri. "Why does that surprise you, Jack?  You're marrying your stalker."

Ianto, Owen and Rhys all burst out laughing while Jack impersonated a goldfish.  Then his trademark grin flashed across his face. "True.  It was the suit that got me.  Third time we met, I fell into his arms and I didn't really want to let him go."

"Oh, yeah.  There was definite N.A.T. that night," Ianto murmured.

Rhys looked over at Ianto, "N.A.T.?"

"Nose avoidance tilting,"  Jeff replied.  "You know, when you go to kiss someone, the head tilt so you don't bump into their nose?"

"Oh.  Didn't realize there was a technical term for that."

"You'd be surprised at the sheer number of technical terms Jeff has come up with."  
________________________________________________________  
(Three hours and two pubs later....)  
  
"No, Doctor, don't.  No good can come from it!" Ianto pleaded.

"But I want to know!"

"To know about the Giggle Loop is to become part of the Giggle Loop," Ianto intoned. "Trust me, you don't want to know."   Ianto sighed, remembering Jeff's cousin's wedding several years ago.  No way did he want a repeat of that at the ceremony on Saturday. 

  
  
"Jack, are you sure he's not an alien?"  The Doctor whispered.  "Surely that's not normal human behavior."

Jack laughed and whispered back, "Trust me, Jeff's not an alien...he's just Welsh."

"I heard that, Jack," Ianto warned, "Don't forget, there's three of us here.  We outnumber all the other nationalities at this table."

"Is he picking on the Welsh again?"  Rhys asked.

"Mmmm...Jeff, Rhys, would you accompany me to the bar for some national solidarity and a little Brains Dark?"  The three left the table and soon a toast of "Iechyd Da" was heard from the bar area.

Owen looked over at Jack and said, "You know, Harkness, I thought you knew better than to insult the Welsh when Ianto's been drinking.  Don't you remember when he and Gwen locked us out of the SUV and left us to walk back to the Hub...across town and in the pouring rain?"

Jack winced, "I didn't think I'd insulted them, but I guess comparing them to an alien race wasn't the best idea.  I'd better go make it up to him."

He walked up behind Ianto and slipped his arms around his partner's waist.  He lowered his head and whispered, "I love you.  Forgive me?"

Ianto relaxed back into Jack's arms and grinned impishly.  He whispered back, "What's to forgive?  I've always thought the reason so many aliens show up here is because it reminds them of home."

  
  
"It's like a feedback loop, see.  You're somewhere quiet. There's people. Its a solemn occasion - say, a minutes silence for someone who's died, oh, or a wedding. The time is ticking away... tick tock tick tock... and suddenly this thought pops into your head - The worst thing you can do right now is laugh. And you almost do, as an automatic reaction. But then, you think how awful it would have been if you HAD laughed, and you almost laugh again, only its a bigger laugh. But, then you think how funny it would have been if you'd laughed that bigger laugh, but this time the laugh is an enormous laugh. Let this one out and you get whiplash! So you're standing there, in this quiet room, shoulders going like you're drilling the road, and what do you think of the situation? Dear Christ! You think its funny!"

"You realize we're all doomed to eternal torment in the Giggle Loop now, right?"  Ianto asked.

___________________________________________________________  
(The strip club...)  
  
"Jeff, why the bloody hell did you choose this club?"  Ianto hissed.

"You always used to go on about how great it was, mate!  Thought I'd bring you back to your old stomping grounds."

Ianto sighed and leaned his head against the top of the car.  "This can only end badly."

"Ianto, Jeff?  Are you guys coming or what?"

"Yep.  On our way!"  
  
They walked into the club, Ianto hoping against hope that all new women were working there.  His heart sank as he looked around and saw several familiar faces.  Maybe he'd get lucky and no-one would recognize him.  He was halfway across the room to where the rest of the guys were before that particular dream was shattered.  He heard two high-pitched squeals of "Ianto!" before his arms were full of two scantily clad women.  
  
"Um, Jack?  Did Ianto sneak that alien pheromone spray out of the Hub?"  Owen asked.

"What?  Of course not, why?"  Jack turned to see his lover being thoroughly kissed by first one and then another gorgeous blonde.  "What the hell?"  
  
"Ladies, ladies...let the poor man up for air!"

"Thanks, Catrin,"  Ianto laughed as he glanced towards the table to see a bewildered Jack and disbelieving Owen watching him.  Rhys, Jeff and the Doctor all seemed to be intently focused on the stage.

"How long have you been back in Cardiff then, Love?  And why haven't you been to see us sooner?"  Catrin demanded.

"I've been back for a couple of years, just really busy with work, you know?"  Ianto answered, looking towards the table again, meeting Jack's slightly amused gaze.

Catrin's eyes followed his, "Oh, you're with the stag party!  So which one is the groom, then?"

"Actually, that would be me,"  Ianto replied.  And then pointed to Jack, "And him."

"What, is it a double wedding?"

"Nope.  I'm marrying him."  Chuckling at the look of shock on Catrin's face, he gave her a brilliant smile before walking to the table, sitting down next to Jack and pulling him in for an ardent kiss.  
  
When they drew apart a short while later, Jack inclined his head towards where Ianto had been talking to Catrin and asked, "So, what was that all about?"

Ianto grinned a little sheepishly, "Well, I used to work here.  Bartender, sound system, that kind of thing.  Catrin's the owner."

"Wait a minute,"  Owen's voice broke in, "you, Ianto, uptight, coffee-obsessed, everything-in-it's-place, always-wears-a-suit Jones worked in a strip club?!?"

Jack laughed as Ianto rolled his eyes at Owen.  "Yes, Owen, I worked at a strip club."  He turned to Jack and asked, "Why does everyone have this image of me being such a prim and proper 'good' boy?"

"I think it's that sweet face of yours.  You look so young and innocent that no-one can believe that you're anything but." Jack responded.

"Jack, I've been with you for quite awhile now," Ianto pointed out. "Hell, we're getting married the day after tomorrow.  No-one could possibly think I'm innocent."

"They probably think that I've corrupted you."  He snorted and took a sip of his drink before continuing, "They have no idea about that wild streak of yours."

Ianto sighed and shot a truly filthy grin at his lover that went straight to Jack's groin. "It's a burden to be so misunderstood."  
  
Catrin had given their party drinks on the house for the night, which everyone except Owen had taken shameless advantage of.  The two women that had waylaid Ianto on the way in came over and gave he and Jack simultaneous lap dances...which both of the men had enjoyed immensely.  Ianto had followed through on his promise to Donna to get the Doctor a lap dance, and record it with the camera on his phone.  Jack had doubled over laughing at the look on his old friend's face during the experience and told Ianto to be sure and show it to Martha, too.  They'd had to carry Jeff back to the car because he'd passed out drunk just before they left.  Owen had dropped everyone off and then took Jack and Ianto back their flat, admonishing them to drink lots of water and take some aspirin, before telling them to sleep as late as they wanted, he'd take care of everything at work the next day.  
  
Finally, Jack and Ianto were alone.  They were kissing each other passionately almost before the door closed behind them.  When they broke apart to catch their breath, Ianto gave Jack a wickedly erotic look and said, "You know, while I was working at that club, I picked up a lot of tips from the girls on how to give a good lap dance and striptease.  Interested on seeing what I learned?"

Jack growled deep in his throat, "Oh, yeah."

 

"Good morning, Gorgeous."  Soft lips brushed his forehead.

"Mmph...is that coffee I smell?"

"Yep.  Breakfast is ready, too.  So open those beautiful blue eyes and get comfortable, because you are getting breakfast in bed this morning."  This was accompanied by a swat to his backside.

"Oh, Honey, you shouldn't have," the laughter in his voice provoked another light swat.

"Ianto Jones, you are such a brat," Jack huffed, trying not to laugh.  "See if I cook you breakfast again!"

Ianto reached out and pulled Jack down onto the bed, rolling over and pinning the other man underneath him, kissing him deeply.  "Thank you for making me breakfast."

"You haven't eaten it yet.  And you're not going to thank me if you don't let me up so I can bring it to you before it gets cold."

Dropping another quick kiss on his lover's lips, Ianto rolled back over and let Jack up. "Go on with you then, breakfast."

As Jack left the room, Ianto stretched, propped himself up in the bed and looked at the clock.  Nine o'clock in the morning.  Four hours until the ceremony that would make he and Jack legal partners.  That sounded like a business arrangement...husband and husband?  Ianto didn't really care what it was called, he was Jack's and Jack was his, that was all that mattered.  He laughed to himself, thinking of the night before and Gwen's reaction when the two men had left together as usual.

"What are you laughing about?"  Jack came back into the room with a tray of food and coffee, settling it across Ianto's lap and sitting next to him on the bed.

"Last night...Gwen,"  Ianto replied, chuckling.

Jack laughed, "She sure knows how to stick her foot in her mouth sometimes, doesn't she?"

  
(the previous evening...)  
_The two men were leaving when they heard Gwen's voice calling, "You guys aren't staying together tonight are you?"_

_Jack looked at her, confused.  "Um, yes...we live together, remember?"_

_"Oh, but you can't!  Not tonight!  It's bad luck to see the br...I mean to see each other tomorrow before the wedding!"_  
  
Ianto snorted, "At least you can be reasonably confidant she wasn't thinking you were the bride."

"Despite everything that Gwen has seen in this job, she's still very much a product of this century.  She needs to label everything.  Define things from her personal view of the world," Jack pointed out.  "You, on the other hand...are you sure you're from the 21st century?" 

"Yep.  Born and bred.  I just don't see the need to let gender get in the way of happiness."

"One of the many reasons I love you, Ianto."  Jack leaned over and kissed him.  "So, do you think Rhys has found a way to listen to the match today?"

Ianto choked on the toast he'd just taken a bite of, "Probably.  He was pretty upset that our ceremony is right in the middle of the Wales/Scotland game."

"May the gods save us from rugby fanatics."  Jack intoned.

"Hey, if that's the only problem we have today we'll be lucky!  Just make sure you don't forget the retcon."

________________________________________________  
(Three hours and fourty-five minutes later...)  
  
"You know, I tried to tell Gwen that open candle flames were a bad idea, but she insisted.  Said it would add ambiance."  Ianto muttered, his expression pained.

"Ambiance, right.  The whole room smells like burnt hair."  Jack was trying hard not to laugh.  "Good thing the Doctor and Donna were right there to smother the flames."

Ianto chuckled under his breath, "Yeah, it's also a good thing that Gwen used a ton of hairspray on her hair this morning.  Otherwise she would've been impersonating the Human Torch...and not in the sexy Johnny Storm kind of way!"

"What was she trying to do to Rhys anyway?"  Jack whispered.

"Get the earpiece away from him.  He has a small radio tucked in his pocket so he can listen to the match.  He promised not to listen during the ceremony, but she didn't trust him."  
  
  
"We welcome you here today on this very special occasion of deep significance for Jack and Ianto. Today they will affirm their love and publicly declare their commitment to each other..." the officiant continued speaking but Ianto was distracted by the slight trembling of Jack's hands in his.  Giving them a reassuring squeeze, he was amazed at the open look of love and vulnerability on his captain's face.  It reminded him of Jack's nervousness on the night he'd asked Ianto out for their first real date.  Lost in each other's eyes, neither one noticed the slight disturbance of Toshiko rushing from the room, or Owen following her.  
  
  
"Jack, you are my best friend, the person I trust above all others and the man I love with all my heart.  We've had our share of difficulties, but we've come through them all and know that together we are stronger.  There is no one I would rather share the rest of my life with than you.  I promise to love you, respect you and care for you for as long as I live."  
  
"Ianto, when I came to this place I never expected to find someone like you.  You are loyal and brave.  Forgiving and loving.  I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I will spend the time we are given together to cherish and care for you, to honor and encourage you, to share my life with you through good times and bad.  I love you, Ianto.  Forever."  
  
  
"The giving of a ring signifies the promise of a love that is everlasting and is a public affirmation that the contract between Jack and Ianto will be honoured.  Could we have the rings, please?"

Jeff frantically patted down his pockets, looking for the rings, until Martha whispered, "Oi, relax.  I've got them," as she handed them over.  The look of relief on Jeff's face was comical and caused both Jack and Ianto to choke on their laughter.  The harder they tried to hold it in, the worse it got.  When they heard the Doctor and then Rhys choking behind them they lost the battle and burst into laughter.  

Ianto finally caught his breath enough to gasp, "I warned you all.  Damn Giggle Loop."  Which caused everyone else to start laughing.  Owen and Tosh slipped back into the room while everyone was getting their composure back.  Tosh looked pale and Owen hovered solicitously next to her while they sat down.  
  
The rings were exchanged, the civil partnership schedule was signed and presented and finally the officiant said the words everyone was waiting for, "The ceremony is over and the experience of living day by day as legal partners is just beginning.  It is my pleasure to introduce Jack and Ianto Harkness-Jones."

The room erupted into applause and cheers as Jack took Ianto's face in his hands and thoroughly kissed him.

_______________________________________________________  
(The reception...)  
  
"Gwen, everything looks beautiful," Ianto pulled her into a hug.  "Thank you!"

The small room did look good, elegant without being fussy.  One large table was set up in the center of the room where they could all eat family style.  A smaller table off to the side held a beautiful two-tier cake and the other side of the room was set up as a dance floor.  Another table, close to the entrance, was piled with several presents.

Before sitting down, Jack and Ianto wandered over towards the wedding cake.  Jack was trying to get a quick swipe of the frosting, but Ianto swatted his hand away.

"Jack, look at the cake topper."

"But, that's...how did she manage this?" Jack asked, amazed.

Sitting on top of the cake were two figurines, dancing.  One was Jack, greatcoat and all, the other Ianto, in three-piece suit and tiny sideburns.

Gwen stepped next to them and said, "Never underestimate the power of a determined woman with an unlimited budget and access to CCTV cameras."  
  
  
"Toshiko, you're just picking at your meal.  Aren't you feeling well?" Jack asked from across the table.

She blushed a bit at having attention drawn to her, but replied, "Not really, Jack.  My stomach's been a bit upset today.  I actually missed part of the ceremony because of it."

"She was puking her guts out when I found her," Owen stated.

"Did you eat anything this morning maybe that set it off?"  The obvious concern in Ianto's voice caused her to look up and smile at him.

"Just a protein shake that the Doctor made us all this morning.  I hardly think that would make me sick."

Jack was shaking his head, "Oi, Doctor, did you ever think to ask anyone about their dietary likes or dislikes before giving them something to eat?  Not everyone has your abnormal love of bananas, you know."

"What?  Bananas are good,"  the Doctor argued.

"Not for Toshiko they aren't, she's allergic to them."  
  
  
"I'd like to propose a toast," Jeff stood up, holding his glass.  "To Jack and Ianto, may you have a long, happy life together and never fall through the Sock Gap."

Everyone looked blankly at Jeff except for Ianto, who dissolved into laughter.

The Doctor gazed at Jeff with the look he usually reserved for particularly fascinating new species and said, "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what, exactly, is the Sock Gap?"

Ianto replied between chuckles, "It's Jeff's foreplay tip number one."

"Yep, it's the most important rule there is, when to take your socks off," Jeff said seriously.  "My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers... that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman, or man as the case may be, will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with them."

There were giggles and murmurs of agreement coming from the women around the table.

Jack leaned over and whispered in Ianto's ear, "I think you're sexy enough to pull off naked in socks."

Ianto whispered back, "Remind me to test it sometime, Sir,"  Enjoying the way Jack's eyes darkened and the slight shiver the statement provoked.  
  
  
"Go ahead, Jack, smear it all over his face!"  If Owen hadn't already been dead, Ianto would've killed him.

Gwen, Tosh, Martha and Donna all yelled, "Jack, don't you dare.  Be nice."

Jeff joined Owen in egging Jack on, Rhys (wisely) stayed out of it and the Doctor just looked on in amusement.

Ianto saw exactly when Jack lost the battle with his good angel by the mischievous look in the deep blue eyes and prepared to get a face full of frosting.  He opened his mouth, hoping at least some of the cake went where it was supposed to...and most of it did.

"Just remember, Jack, payback is a bitch," Ianto warned as he picked up the piece of cake to feed to Jack.

Jack grinned and said, "Bring it on, Mr. Harkness-Jones."

Ianto did, to the extreme amusement of everyone in the room, even getting some of the frosting up Jack's nose.  Of course, he hadn't taken into account Jack's playful nature until the man darted forward and captured Ianto's lips with his own frosting covered ones.

"Mmmm, butter-cream flavored Ianto," Jack murmured.  "Remind me to bring some of this cake back to the hotel room tonight."  
  
  
The food and cake had been eaten, the champagne drunk, the presents opened and the party was winding down.  Jack and Ianto were getting ready to leave, making their rounds to say goodbye and say thank you to all their friends.

"Doctor, thank you so much for coming, it meant a lot to us," Jack told his old friend, giving the Time-Lord a heartfelt hug.

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything, Jack.  It's good to see you happy again."  The Doctor grinned his slightly manic grin and continued, "Before you guys take off, though, there's one more gift someone asked me to give you."

"What would that be, Doctor?"  Ianto asked.

"Well, the TARDIS has always had a bit of a soft spot for the Captain here and she wanted to give you two a honeymoon to remember."  Ianto felt his eyes widening as the Doctor continued, "I've programmed her to respond to voice commands so you can just tell her where you want to go and she'll take you.  I'll stay here and keep an eye on things for you and when you're ready to come home, she'll bring you back to the exact time and place that you left."

Ianto and Jack looked at each other in wonder and then enveloped the Doctor in a double bear hug, before rushing out the door to go home and pack.

The Doctor's brown eyes twinkled merrily as he heard Jack say, "Ianto Harkness-Jones, I am going to show you the stars!"


End file.
